APOCAFLICKS: THE CURSE OF THE UNEDITED MOVIES
By Ryan Croker
With Paul, Matt, Trevor, Jono, Lisa, Taylor, Brian, Ryan, Laurel, and Sarah.
We open with a short video showing newspaper clippings detailing the rise and fall of Cleanflicks. We see the some text explaining what happened, i.e.
On July 6, 2006, a federal judge in Denver presiding over a lawsuit between CleanFlicks and 16 Hollywood directors ruled that CleanFlicks' editing violates U.S. copyright laws. The judge ordered CleanFlicks to "stop producing, manufacturing, and creating" and renting edited movies, and to hand all inventory to movie studios within five days of the ruling.
"It is with great regret that we write to inform you that CleanFlicks is going out of business soon. As you may have heard or read, after three long years of legal struggles, a judge in Colorado has ruled that we cannot sell or rent edited DVDs anymore. While we thought very strongly about appealing the decision, the potential costs and risks to the company, its customers and shareholders was just too great. Accordingly, we have agreed to close our doors after a brief winding-up period.
...We want to offer our sincerest apologies for not being able to provide you with edited DVDs...We appreciate your support of our efforts to provide high-quality, family-friendly movies, and we will try to make this difficult process of closing our operations as painless as we can for all our loyal customers."
In the background, the words fade, except the word “painless” which turns to blood. In the background we hear screams and cries, and we eventually see a Cleanflicks store that looks as if it’s been burned out and destroyed. Finally, we see the words 28 Days After. The video ends and Matt stumbles on stage, wearing pajamas as if he’s just woken up.
Matt: Yawn. Oh, my! I feel like I’ve been sleeping forever!
Matt walks to Center Stage.
Matt: Why is it so dark in here? Trevor! Did you forget to pay the electric bill again?
Matt looks around.
Matt: Hello? Well, let’s see what we have in the fridge.
Matt mimes opening a fridge. Trevor makes a noise offstage.
Matt: Trevor?
Trevor shuffles onstage gnawing on a severed arm. His makeup is that of the LIVING DEAD!
Matt: Trevor? What are you eating?
Trevor: Grrrrr. Arrrghh. (Trevor spits out what he was eating on Matt)
Matt: Oh no, you did NOT just shoot that green *crap* at me!
Trevor: Fooooood.
Matt: What kind of monster are you!?
Trevor stops eating and looks at Matt. He tosses the arm offstage.
Trevor: Braaaiinnnsss!
Matt walks across the stage, Trevor shambles along behind him.
Suddenly Sarah appears from the other side of the stage, walking like a Zombie. And dressed like one too.
Sarah: Brains!
Matt: What is up with these Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies!?
Trevor: Brains!
Both start walking toward Matt. Matt cowers girlishly in fear. Suddenly, Paul and Taylor rush in, Taylor brandishing a severed arm. Paul is dressed is a weird fur/leather ensemble.
Paul: Hey freaks!
Taylor holds up the arm like a stick.
Taylor: Here boy, here boy!
Trevor takes the bait and gets excited about the arm. Taylor throws it offstage. All three Zombies look after it.
Brian appears from offstage, holding the arm.
Brian: Did someone just throw a severed arm at me?
Everyone just looks at Brian.
Brian: Seriously. That’s gross.
Suddenly, Trevor lunges for Brian.
Trevor: Brains!
Trevor’s momentum carries both him and Brian offstage. Sarah follows.
Paul: Hey you! Let’s go!
Paul grabs Matt’s arm and leads him offstage. Taylor follows. Once they are gone, Trevor returns to the stage with the arm in his mouth. When he sees no one there, he lowers his head, chagrined, and walks offstage. Paul, Taylor, and Matt come from the other side.
Matt: Thanks for saving me, but what was going on back there? My roommate was going crazy and he had some crazy friends, which is really crazy because Trevor doesn’t have any friends!
Taylor: What do you mean, “What was going on back there”? Where have you been for the last month?
Matt: Asleep, mostly.
Paul: What! How can you have been asleep for a month?
Matt: Well, I had mono…
Taylor: Ah.
Matt: Well,….uh…So can you explain to me what’s going on?
Taylor: Sure. Tell me, do you like movies?
Matt: I like Air Bud and The Legend Of Bagger Vance!
Taylor: I’ll take that as a yes.
Paul: Are you familiar with Cleanflicks?
Matt: Absolutely. Without them, I wouldn’t know what to think!
Taylor: Okay. Well, last July the U.S. Supreme Court made a ruling declaring Cleanflicks illegal. They were forced to close down on August 30. Exactly 28 days ago…
Matt: Sadness! But what does it all mean?
Paul: Don’t you see! Without Cleanflicks around to edit people’s movies anymore, people just started watching anything and everything. No one knew the danger, all of that violence and profanity, it filled people with rage, they started running around biting folks, and spreading the insanity. It’s a madhouse, I tell you, a madhouse!
Paul falls on his knees, crying.
Matt: How horrible! But without Cleanflicks around to tell you what you can and can’t tolerate, how did you both survive?
Taylor: Everyone turned into a zombie. We’ve had to take refuge in the Provo Public Library.
Paul: It used to be the original BYU, you know.
Taylor: We don’t have time for interesting historical facts. Let’s get moving!
Time passes. Somehow. As time passes, Brian reappears on stage, chased by Trevor and Sarah, he runs around as they chase him and he runs offstage.
Lisa, Ryan, and Jono appear from offstage. Jono is dressed like Bruce Willis in Die Hard.
Ryan: Hey guys. I’m glad you’re back. I didn’t expect you until Thursday.
Taylor: Tomorrow?
Ryan: No… the day AFTER Tomorrow. But it’s good that you’re here now. We’ve resorted to burning books to stay warm. We can’t stay here much longer.
Jono: Oh, I’m so glad you’re safe. He hugs Taylor.
Taylor: Knock it off, Willis! She shoves Jono away. Everyone, this is Matt. We found him when we were patrolling King Henry.
Jono: Hi Matt! He hugs Taylor. She shoves him away again. Where you from?
Matt: In West Philadelphia, born and raised, on a playground, where I spent most of my days.
Jono: Well, my name is Willis. I’ve been sent from the future to stop the zombies and kill Brad Pitt!
Everyone looks at each other, confused.
Jono: And then I was trapped in an office building at Christmastime!
Ryan: Okay, moving on… I’m Ryan, I work at the local S-Mart. I just found this book called the Necronomicon. It has a fascinating article about zombies. It says that zombies can be killed by removing the head or destroying the brain. What could that possibly mean?
Matt: How did you all survive?
Taylor: I’ve spent the last couple months catching up on DVD’s of 24 and Lost. I didn’t have time to watch any rated R movies.
Laurel: Rated R Movies! AAAAAAAAAAA! We’re all going to die!
Ryan: Settle down.
Lisa: Speaking with a Russian accent. I am from Russia. There, we have no movie ratings. In Russia, movie rates you! Since I don’t know what a rated R movie is, I can’t be affected by it.
Matt: You mean people in other countries don’t follow the Motion Picture Association of America! You don’t let them determine your righteousness?!
Lisa: Yes. Thank goodness for oatmeal!
Matt: All of my illusions are crashing down around me!
Laurel: I was just hanging out in a graveyard with my brother. We were doing genealogy. (ala 6th Sense) I research dead people.
Jono: How often do you research them?
Laurel: All the time
Paul: And as for me, as I’m sure you’re curious, my name is Dan. And since I’m probably the last Dan left in the world, you can call me the Omega Dan.
Matt: How did you get here?
Paul: I was an astronaut from the distant past! I crashed here only to find that in the future, you’d destroyed it all, you maniacs! You blew it up! Dang you, dang you all to fetchin’ heck!
Paul falls to his knees, crying.
Matt: to the others If he’s an astronaut, where are his astronaut clothes?
Paul gathers himself and gets to his feet.
Paul: When I got here, I went skinny dipping in Utah Lake. Someone stole my clothes. So I had to make do with this leather get-up you see here.
Laurel: Skinny Dipping! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Laurel goes into hysterics. Jono slaps her. She slaps him back. Jono goes into hysterics.
Jono: AAAAAAAAA! Jono runs away.
Matt: Okaaaay. So what do we do now?
Taylor: Now, we survive. The world is overrun by flesh-eating monsters. There’s not much we can do. They’ve seen too many rated R movies. They’re not even human anymore, just like UVSC students. For now, let’s rest. Laurel, you, Willis, and the Omega Dan here take the first watch.
Time passes, Jono, Laurel, and Paul leave the stage. Everyone else sits down.
Ryan: This necronomicon says that we can destroy all the zombies, but I can’t make out what the book says. Klatu, Verata, Hall Ess Torm? I just don’t get it!
Just then, Jono, Laurel and Paul run in.
Laurel: Everyone! They’ve found us. I don’t know how, but they’ve found us! Run for it! AAAAAAAAAAAA!
The Two Zombies start walking across the stage. Everyone gets up and panics.
Ryan: Oh my gosh…(Trevor bites his hand off)
Matt: (punches Trevor, like Independence Day) Welcome to Provo!
Jono: I can do this. I can handle it. Let me handle it.
Matt: What?
Jono: No Matt! Don’t volunteer. I know you’re younger than me, but you have your whole life ahead of you! He turns to Taylor. I don’t want to close my eyes, I don’t want to fall asleep, ‘cause I’d miss you babe, and I don’t want to miss a thing.
Taylor: Willis, what are you doing? Let’s just run away. Can’t you see how slow and dimwitted they are?
By this time, the two Zombies are following each other around in a circle.
Jono: No! I can do this! Because I don’t want to miss a thing!
Taylor: Okaaaay…
Jono hurls himself at the bomb as everyone else runs away. Suddenly, the room goes dark, and on the screen, we see: EDITED FOR CONTENT. When the lights come back on, Jono and the Zombies are gone. Everyone else wanders onto the stage.
Matt: Wow! What an amazing getaway! That car chase was the best thing ever!
Lisa: In Russia, cars chase you!
Ryan: Too bad it was so gory, Laurel died, and I replaced my hand with a mixer. (holds up where his hand used to be, there is a mixer in its place)
Matt: So how did it get like this? Most people in the world don’t care about movie ratings.
Ryan: Once people got infected with all of the violence and profanity from unedited movies, they just went bezerk. At first it was just here in Utah County, but once one of the infected people bites you, you become just like them. Soon Utah was gone, and then the rest of the world.
Taylor: We do have a very aggressive Missionary program. rimshot
Matt: Is there anything we can do to cure them, to make all of this aggression go away?
Lisa: In Russia, aggression makes you go away!
Ryan: Lisa’s right, we can’t stay around here, there’s got to be somewhere where the scourge of unedited movies can’t be found.
Taylor: It’s too bad we can’t make our own movies. I’m, sure they’d be pure, wholesome and lacking in artistic qualities. Like “Church Ball” and “Charly”.
Ryan: I know! This word I’ve been trying to discipher! Halestorm! Halestorm studios. The zombies have something to do with that.
Taylor: Sounds like a plan, but Halestorm studios are way across town and we’re in enemy territory.
Matt: Dan, you’re an astronaut, right?
Paul: Yes, from the distant past!
Matt: Well, do you have any technology that could help?
Paul: Well, I was thinking that we could hole up in a shopping mall. Think of it, all the Cinnabon you could eat!
Ryan: No, don’t you have any astronaut powers or anything?
Paul: Okay, fine. I’m not an astronaut. I just came back from a Charleton Heston Festival. HestFest ’06. So much better than HestFest ’05. Seriously.
Matt: How does that help us?
Paul: I have these original Ten Commandment props. Holds up cardboard cutouts made to look like the ten commandments. And this can of soylent green. Now with 30% more people!
Taylor: That doesn’t help us at all. Let’s keep moving.
Matt, Taylor, Paul, Lisa, and Ryan run around the stage
Paul: Careful around the HFAC you guys, this place is crawling with the most vile, disgusting, horrendous creatures imaginable.
Matt: Cursed zombies?
Paul: Worse.
Ryan: Hey, you guys look, Vocal Point is putting on a concert.
Paul: No! The horror!
Lisa: In Russia, Point vocals you.
Taylor: Their songs of mindless optimism might cheer us up. Let’s listen.
Vocal Point comes on stage, it is Trevor, Jono, Sarah, Laurel
Trevor: (does crappy vocal percussion) Beat, box, beat, box, cymbal crash, etc.
Jono/Laurel: (does “In the Jungle”) A-wheem-a-wop, a wheem-a-wop
Sarah: (singing) In the Jungle, In the Jungle, the Lion Sleeps Tonight…
Matt: Man, Vocal Point isn’t good this year. I’ve heard tunnel singers better than this. Another rimshot
Taylor: Something’s wrong! This can’t be Vocal Point, there’s women in it!
The zombies suddenly throw off their robes and stand revealed as zombies.
Ryan: Zombies!
The zombies attack. Lisa is bitten by Trevor and dragged off the stage. Ryan is fighting with Jono, who he manages to fend off with his mixer/hand. Paul is tackled by Sarah. Matt and Taylor are poking Laurel with sticks.
Paul: Get your festering hands off me, you darn dirty zombie!
Paul throws Sarah off him and runs offstage. He appears seconds later with a gun, which he uses to kill Sarah. Seeing this, all the zombies scatter.
Taylor: Thanks, Omega Dan.
Paul: Thank the NRA!
Matt: Now that’s what I call a close encounter.
Taylor: And Lisa’s dead.
Paul: Meh.
Our intrepid survivors walk across the stage. Time passes, somehow. They find themselves at some ruins.
Matt: Where are we?
Taylor: This is, or was, the Halestorm Studios.
Paul: But how could it have been so damaged in such a short amount of time?
Matt: I think I have a clue. Look at these posters of the movies they were working on.
Matt steps forward, behind him we see a projection a ruined wall with movie posters behind him. Gladys Knight Rider, Quorum Leap, Saints on a Plane, Peyton Buhler’s Day Off, The Fast and the Furious: Provo Drift.
Ryan: How horrible! Gladys Knight Rider?
Matt: Quorum Leap?
Taylor: Saints on a Plane?
Paul: Peyton Buhler’s Day Off?
Matt: This one actually looks cool, The Fast and the Furious, Provo Drift.
Ryan: Are you insane? I bet you also listen to boy bands.
Matt: So?
Paul: What were they thinking?
Taylor: Guys, I think that this place was destroyed BEFORE the zombies started attacking.
Matt: But that would mean…
Paul: Don’t say it.
Ryan: That it was Mormon Cinema, and not Cleanflicks that was responsible for the zombies. People were so upset about the poor quality of movies that they had been producing that they became rage filled zombies.
Paul: You maniacs! You blew it up! Dang you, Mormon Cinema, dang you all to fetchin’ heck!
Matt: But if the zombie infection started here, that would mean…
Taylor: They’re here…
The zombies walk in. The music from Thriller starts playing and the zombies begin to dance.
Paul: Is there no one to deliver us? Let my people go!
Brian: Sorry I’m late. I came as soon as I felt like it.
Taylor: Who are you?
Brian: I’m the president of the USA! The BYUSA!
Ryan: What are you doing here? You planning to organize a dance or something?
Brian: We don’t tolerate sarcastic voices like that at BYU! Kill him!
Zombies kill Ryan
Brian: To me, zombie minions!
Paul: He controls the zombies!
Matt: Gasp!
Brian: The zombies needed a strong leader. They elected me. Now give me that gun!
Paul: You’ll take my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands!
Brian: My pleasure. (uses can of Whoop-A and kills people)
Paul: Western Family can of Whoop-A is made of people. It’s people! (dies)
Brian: (to Matt and Taylor) You can’t possibly win. Look at my motivational skills! In less than an hour, zombies from here will join others from around the world, and they will be launching the largest undead attack in the history of mankind. Mankind. That word should have new meaning for all of us today. Because of all the zombies. We will be united in our common undead interests. We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish…without a fight! We're going to live on as undead! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Zombie Independence Day!
Matt: Oh, you have SO got to die!
Taylor: Is there no hope? Why must we be consigned to this state of endless woe?
Matt: (EFY song, but he doesn’t sing) Like stones in the river, we are tossed and turned, bruised until the edges are gone. (some of the zombies start dying)
Brian: (covering his ears) What are those horrible lyrics?
Taylor: Matt, that’s it! Horrible EFY songs kill zombies, why didn’t I think of that before?
Matt: Because it was already used in the ending to Mars Attacks. (singing) Remember the promise, remember who it’s from…
Trevor: Ah, my ears, my undead ears!
Sarah: Groaaaaannnn!
Laurel: Make them stop!
Brian: Doesn’t anybody have any missiles left?
Taylor: Sing, keep singing!
Matt: (sings like Little Mermaid)
The zombies all die. Matt and Taylor are left standing in a pile of corpses.
Taylor: Well, Matt, it looks like it’s just you and me in this brave, new world.
Matt: Taylor, there’s something I’ve been meaning to tell you.
Taylor: Oh, what’s that?
Matt: I’m not like other guys…(puts on one glove and sunglasses)
The music from Thriller starts playing again.
GOOSH!
End.
Props:
Matt: Pajamas
Taylor: Normal clothes
Paul: A fur/leather outfit reminiscent of the original Planet of the Apes. He also needs a toy shotgun, some fake ten commandments, and a can of Soylent Green.
Ryan: A fake hand, a Necronomicon (This is a book made from human skin with a scary face on it. Find a picture from Army of Darkness to see what it looks like.) I also need a small, battery powered mixer or something to that effect that I can use to replace my lost hand.
Jono: He is dressed like Bruce Willis in Die Hard. This means a “wifebeater” and bare feet.
Lisa: A fur Russian hat would be nice. Otherwise, normal clothes.
Laurel: Normal clothes.
Trevor: Zombie Makeup
Sarah: Zombie Makeup
Brian: A Suit
Other: Jono, Lisa and Laurel become zombies halfway through, so we’ll need some quick zombie makeup for them. We also need as many fake arms as we have, and a fake leg. (I’ve seen those somewhere). Matt has the Can of Whoop-A.
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